Hi there. I’m so glad you found your way here.

If you’re reading this, chances are you—or someone you love—has experienced sexual abuse, sexual assault, or some other kind of sexual trauma. First and foremost, I want you to hear this loud and clear:

It was not your fault. You are not broken. And healing is absolutely possible.

I’m a licensed mental health therapist with over ten years of experience walking alongside survivors of sexual trauma. I’ve sat with people in their rawest moments. I’ve heard the whispered stories they’ve never told anyone else. I’ve witnessed the strength it takes to carry pain that no one ever should’ve had to bear. And I want to talk to you, like a friend, a trusted “other”, about some of the most important truths I’ve learned.

This isn’t just a clinical breakdown of trauma. This is real talk—from someone who gets it—and wants to help more people to get it—about the deep emotional wounds that come with sexual abuse and sexual assault. And more importantly, the hope and healing available.

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What Is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault—Really?

Let’s start with clarity.

Sexual abuse is any form of sexual activity or behavior that occurs without a person’s full, informed, and voluntary consent—often involving coercion, manipulation, pressure, or force. Sexual abuse can happen to anyone: children, teens, and adults. The term “sexual abuse” is sometimes, but not exclusively or necessarily, used to describe situations that occurred more than once or over an extended period of time. It includes situations where someone is unable to give consent due to age, fear, intoxication, disability, unconsciousness, or power imbalance—like with a caregiver, teacher, boss, or someone in a position of authority. For children, any sexual activity with an adult or other individual leading is considered abuse, because children cannot legally or developmentally give consent.

Sexual assault is a broad term that describes any kind of sexual contact or behavior that happens without your clear, voluntary, and enthusiastic consent. It can include a range of actions—from unwanted touching to forced sexual acts—and it includes rape, attempted rape, unwanted sexual touching, or forcing someone to perform sexual acts. Sexual assault can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, background, or relationship to the person who caused harm. It is never your fault. It is always a violation of your boundaries and bodily autonomy.

Language matters.

When I work with clients, I often acknowledge that certain terms—like “abuse” or “assault”—can be hard to hear, let alone use to describe one’s own experience. And that’s completely valid. You never have to use language that doesn’t feel right for you. That said, sometimes naming what happened with clear, honest language can be a powerful step. Especially when the experience is clouded by confusion, shame, or silence—as is often the case with abuse that happens in childhood—it can help to have words that firmly say: this wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t your fault.

Sexual abuse and assault are not about desire or attraction. They are about power and control. And because these experiences can be disorienting or deeply muddled, having language that reflects the truth—your truth—can be grounding.It can be one step toward making sense of what happened and reclaiming the narrative on your own terms.

What’s the Difference Between Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault?

Sexual abuse and sexual assault are closely related terms, and sometimes people use them interchangeably. But they can refer to different things depending on the context—especially legal or medical settings. Sexual abuse is often used to describe patterns of sexual harm that happen over time, especially when there’s a relationship of trust, power, or dependency—like with a parent, caregiver, teacher, boss, or clergy member. Sexual abuse is often used when talking about harm done to childrenor vulnerable individuals who cannot give legal or informed consent and may involve ongoing grooming, manipulation, or secrecy. Sexual assault is a broader legal and medical term that usually refers to any non-consensual sexual act—whether it happens once or many times. Sexual assault can happen between strangers, acquaintances, or within relationships and it doesn’t require a long-term pattern or abuse of trust.

The lines between these terms often blur, especially for survivors. You might not be sure which “category” your experience fits into—and you don’t have to. What matters most is that something happened that crossed your boundaries and wasn’t okay. Whether you call it abuse, assault, violation, harm, or just “what happened to me,” the most important thing is how it affected you.

You deserve support, healing, and language that reflects your truth—not just a label.

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What Grooming Really Looks Like (And Why It’s So Hard to See)

Grooming is manipulation where someone builds trust with a person—often a child, teen, or vulnerable adult—in order to gain access to sexually abuse or exploit them. It’s not just about the abuse itself, but about the way the person sets it up over time.

Grooming can be incredibly confusing because it often feels like attention, affection, or even love at first. The person grooming you might seem kind, protective, or caring. But their behavior has an underlying goal: to gain access, lower your defenses, and make it harder for you to recognize the abuse—or speak up about it.

Grooming can include:

• Giving gifts, special attention, or affection
• Creating secrecy (“Don’t tell anyone—it’s our little secret.”)
• Slowly breaking down physical or emotional boundaries with small intrusions
• Making you feel responsible or special
• Isolating you from others who might notice or intervene
• Testing your reactions with “accidental” touch or inappropriate comments

For children or teens, the groomer is often someone in a position of power or trust—like a family member, coach, teacher, religious leader, babysitter, or older friend.

Here’s an example I’ve seen many times:

A middle-school girl comes home excited because her mom’s boyfriend complimented her appearance and bought her a special treat (snack, present, jewelry, etc.). At first, it feels innocent—even flattering. Over time, the “jokes” become sexual, the hugs last too long, there is “accidental touching”, and the boundaries blur. She feels confused but also scared to speak up—after all, he’s nice to her, right? Or more often, if she or someone else tries to bring it up, it gets dismissed because “[mom’s boyfriend] would never do that” or “it was an accident”.

That confusion? It’s part of the grooming process. Abusers often make the victim feel complicit—when in reality, the power imbalance makes true consent impossible. Also abusers are often grooming the other family and community members as well to make sure the abuse feels impossible to disclose and unlikely to be believed.

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Unlearning the Myths: Common Myths and Misconceptions About Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault

Let’s bust some myths. Because too many survivors are suffering in silence, believing lies that were never theirs to carry. This blog is a gentle space to clear some of that up. I want to share with you the most common myths I hear as a trauma therapist—and also just as a women and human being that lives in the world. I’ve heard so many brave people say the same thing in different ways:

“It didn’t feel like what I thought abuse was supposed to feel like.”
“My body responded… does that mean I wanted it?”
“I didn’t fight back, and I don’t know why.”

These thoughts are rooted in myths and misconceptions about sexual abuse and assault that keep survivors stuck in silence and shame. Let’s gently unravel some of those myths, and replace them with truth, clarity, and compassion.

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Myth #1: “If my body responded, it must not have been abuse.”

Truth: This one breaks my heart because I hear it so often—and it causes so much unnecessary shame.

The human body is wired to respond to touch, even in unwanted or abusive situations. Involuntary arousal, lubrication, or even orgasm can happen during an assault. This does not mean you consented or enjoyed it. It does not mean you wanted it. It means your body is doing what bodies are designed to do—reacting to stimulation, not giving consent.

These unintentional sexual responses are biological reflexes. They don’t mean you’re complicit, or broken, or “messed up.” Your body isn’t betraying you. It’s surviving the only way it knows how.

Please don’t let a physiological response cloud the reality of what happened. Abuse is about power and control, not pleasure or attraction.

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Myth #2: “If I didn’t say no or fight back, it wasn’t assault.”

Truth: Your trauma response is not something you choose. Many survivors freeze during an assault—it’s a neurological survival mechanism. Just like fight or flight, freeze is how some people respond to danger.

I’ve had clients who said, “I just lay there,” or “I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak.” That frozen state is not consent. It’s your body trying to protect you.

And let me be very clear: not resisting doesn’t make you responsible. Your silence or stillness may have been the safest option in that moment.

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Myth #3: “It only counts as abuse if it’s violent or forceful.”

Truth: Sexual abuse doesn’t have to involve physical violence to be real, serious, or traumatic. Many abusers use manipulation, coercion, pressure, or grooming instead of outright force.

This can look like:

• A teacher complimenting a teen’s appearance, giving special attention, and slowly crossing boundaries.
• A romantic partner insisting on sex to “prove love,” even after you’ve said you’re not ready.
• A trusted friend or family member taking advantage of someone who’s asleep, drunk, or emotionally vulnerable.

If you were coerced, manipulated, guilted, or unable to give enthusiastic, informed consent—that’s abuse. If you were a minor, by definition you were not able to give consent developmentally.

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Myth #4: “If I cared about them, it wasn’t abuse.”

Truth: It’s incredibly common for survivors to have complicated feelings about the person who harmed them—especially when it’s someone they loved or trusted.

You can care about someone and still have been violated by them. Abuse is often committed by people close to us, not strangers. And when grooming is involved, the confusion can run even deeper.

You’re allowed to grieve the relationship and be angry at the betrayal. Both can be true.

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Myth #5: “It only happens to women.”

Truth: Sexual abuse and sexual assault affect all genders. Period.

I’ve worked with men, nonbinary folks, and transgender clients who thought they couldn’t be victims—because no one talks about their experiences.

Everyone deserves to be believed and supported, no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, age, or background.

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Myth #6: “It happened so long ago…I should be over it by now”

Truth: Trauma has no timeline. Some survivors don’t even realize what happened to them was abuse until years later.

Maybe you were a child and didn’t understand. Maybe you normalized it because it happened in a relationship. Maybe you buried it because it hurt too much to face. That doesn’t make your experience any less real or valid.

There is no expiration date on pain. And there is definitely no expiration date on healing.

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Sexual Trauma Is Trauma—Period.

Sexual trauma is complex. It can impact your:

• Mental health: anxiety, depression, PTSD
• Relationships: intimacy issues, fear of trust
• Body: chronic pain, dissociation, shame
• Self-worth: feeling “damaged” or “not enough”

There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you—it’s about helping you come home to yourself. You get to set the pace.

In my practice, we focus on:

• Creating safety: You’re in control of what we talk about.
• Understanding trauma: Knowledge is power. I’ll help you connect the dots between your past and your present and begin processing through some of the trauma.
• Reconnecting with your voice and body: Gently rebuilding trust within yourself through somatic healing, parts work, and learning to set safe, empowered boundaries.

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Signs You Might Be Ready for Trauma Therapy

You don’t need to “have it all together” to start. But if you’ve been feeling:

• Numb or emotionally shut down
• Overwhelmed by memories or nightmares
• Trapped in cycles of self-blame or guilt
• Afraid of intimacy or touch
• Desperate for peace, but unsure how to find it…

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means learning to live fully, even with the scars. It means reclaiming your body, your boundaries, your voice—and your joy.

Please know: therapy can help. You don’t have to carry this alone.

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Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken

Whether your experience happened as a child, a teen, or an adult—whether it happened once or over many years—your pain is real. Your story matters. You are not broken. You are not alone. And you are worthy of healing, connection, and peace.

If any of this resonates with you—please remember, sexual abuse and sexual assault are far more common than we like to admit. There’s nothing shameful about your story. What happened to you was not your fault. Your survival is a testament to your strength. There’s a special kind of isolation that comes from believing these myths. I see it in survivors every day. But I also see something else: the power that comes from telling the truth, even to yourself. That’s where healing begins.

You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy can be a safe space to gently unpack your story, challenge the shame, and reconnect with the parts of you that may have gone quiet.

You’re not too much. You’re not too late. You’re right on time.

If something in this blog spoke to your heart, I invite you to reach out. Let’s connect. Therapy doesn’t have to be scary. It can be empowering, even peace-giving.

📩 Click here to schedule or send us a message.

➡️ [Learn more about our trauma therapy services here.]

With so much compassion,

Kirsti Reese, MA, LPC-S, LCDC, RPT-S, PMH-C, SEP, CCTP
EMDR Certified & EMDRIA Approved Consultant

Trauma Therapist & Educator | Creating Safe Space for Recovery | Committed to Breaking the Silence | Centering Safety and Empowerment | Believer in Survivors’ Strength and Voices

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