Hey friend,

If you’re reading this, my guess is that someone you deeply care about—your partner, your best friend, your sibling—is grieving a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. First off, I just want to say: thank you for caring enough to seek out support. That already tells me you’re the kind of person who wants to show up with love, intention, and empathy.

As a perinatal mental health therapist and prenatal yoga teacher, I support people through miscarriage, stillbirth, and all kinds of reproductive trauma every day. I also support the people who love them—because let’s be honest, loss impacts everyone, not just the person who was pregnant.

If you’re feeling unsure of what to say, what not to say, or how to support them in a way that truly lands—this is for you.

This isn’t a clinical handout or a generic “thoughts and prayers” blog. This is a warm, honest, trauma-informed, inclusive guide—meant to be read like we’re talking together over tea after the bottom has fallen out of your world.

Let’s Start Here: You’re Not Alone (Even Though It Feels Like It)

Pregnancy loss is staggeringly common—but still deeply taboo. About 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and up to 20% of confirmed pregnancies will end in loss, most often in the first trimester.

And yet… how many people openly talk about it? Not many. But if we broke the silence, we’d realize:

We all know someone. More than likely, we ARE someone.

So many of my clients say, “Why didn’t I know how common this was until it happened to my family?”

You’re not alone in this. And your loved one isn’t either.

So let’s talk about what does help. And how you can be a grounded, loving presence—without needing to “fix” anything.

1. Validation, Validation, Validation

If I could tattoo one phrase onto the heart of anyone supporting a loved one, especially a grieving partner, it would be this: validation, validation, validation.

Validation is the practice of acknowledging and affirming someone’s emotional experience as real, understandable, and worthy of compassion. It’s not about agreeing with every detail or knowing what to do next. It’s about saying:

“I see you. I hear how hard this is. You’re not alone.”

Validation doesn’t fix pain, but it creates emotional safety. And in the rawness of grief—especially the invisible kind that comes with pregnancy loss—that safety is everything. Grief doesn’t need a solution; it just needs a witness.

Validation sounds like:

• “Everything you’re feeling is okay.”
• “You’re not overreacting. This matters. Your grief makes sense.”
• “I don’t have the perfect words, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
• “Of course you feel heartbroken. This matters so much.”
• “It’s okay to be angry, or sad, or numb—or all of it at once.”
• “What you’re feeling makes total sense.”
  

One partner in a couple I worked with told their grieving spouse, “I don’t want to say the wrong thing, so I’ll just keep reminding you I love you and this is real and this is hard.” That was it. And it meant the world.

Why Saying Nothing (Even with Good Intentions) Can Hurt More

I know many people freeze when someone they love is hurting. It’s not because they don’t care—it’s because they care so much and don’t want to make it worse. But silence, especially after a pregnancy loss, can feel like abandonment.

Here’s what your loved one might hear in that silence:

• “My grief is too much.”
• “This isn’t worth acknowledging.”
• “I should be over it.”
• “I’m overreacting”
• “There is something wrong with me”
• “My partner doesn’t think it’s a big deal”

Even a simple, sincere message like “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry this is happening is so much better than silence.

2. Learn What Not to Say (And How to Shut Down the Unhelpful Stuff)

Most people mean well. But when they say things like:

• “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Don’t worry, you can try again soon.”
• “Really this is a good thing [insert some nonsense]”

…it hurts. It minimizes real, gut-level grief.

So here’s what you can do, especially as a partner or close support person:

• Gently interrupt harmful comments. Try:
  • “I know you’re trying to help, but that’s actually not very comforting right now.”
  • “We’re really just focusing on feeling what we feel. There’s no need to look for a silver lining.”
• Be your person’s advocate in the room. If a medical provider is pushing next steps or a family member is pushing for answers or trying to rush healing, say:
  • “We’re taking space right now. Thanks for respecting that.”

3. Hold the Long Grief—Not Just the First Week

Grief doesn’t expire. Your partner or loved one might be okay one day and on the floor the next. Due dates, anniversaries, baby showers, and even social media posts can hit like a wave.

You can support them by:

• Asking before assuming: “Would it help to talk about the baby today, or would it feel good to be distracted?”
• Marking important dates in your calendar and checking in with a simple text: “Hey love, I know this week might feel hard. I’m thinking of you and here if you want to talk.”
• Staying patient when grief comes in waves, even months later.

4. Take Care of You, Too (Without Disappearing!)

Supporting someone through pregnancy loss is heartbreaking. You might be grieving, too—especially if it was your family, your baby, your shared future.

Here’s what I say to partners and loved ones in therapy:
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to stay present and real.
It’s okay to say, “I’m hurting, too. And I’m here with you.” You don’t need to have it all together.

And if you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, therapy is for you, too. Processing your own grief (or the helplessness of supporting someone else’s) doesn’t make you weak—it makes you wise.

5. Encourage Trauma-Informed Support (Without Pressure)

When the time feels right, it’s okay to gently suggest professional support. But do it from a place of love—not because they’re “not coping,” but because they are deeply worthy and deserving of care.

You could say:

“I found a therapist who really understands this kind of loss. No pressure, but if you ever want to talk to someone, I’d love to share their info.”

If you’re here because you want to hold space for someone you love, or because you’re holding your own grief in quiet corners of your heart, you are welcome here. I work with individuals and families navigating miscarriage, fertility grief, and all forms of perinatal loss—with compassion, inclusion, and zero judgment.

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Let’s Also Talk About: Support in the Moment

Pregnancy loss is not a single point in time. There are often many moments and events that characterize the experience. Common ones that come up in therapy sessions are moment when they find bleeding, initial call to the doctor, doctor visit, hospital visit, any procedures required, follow up appointments, telling others about the pregnancy loss, seeing other pregnant people, seeing problematic medical terminology on a note or bill, future anniversaries like previously scheduled ultrasounds or due dates, ect.  If you are in a situation where you are reading this in anticipation of supporting someone during one of these moments, here are a few extra considerations.

Reflecting Back: One of the Greatest Gifts

One of the most healing things you can do is mirror back what your loved one is expressing or reflecting back the reality of the unexpected moment. It helps them feel understood, grounded, and affirmed in a time when their world feels upside down.

For example:

• If they say, “I feel like I failed,” you might respond,
  “I hear that. I want you to know you didn’t fail—but it makes sense you feel that way.”
• If they say, “I can’t believe this is happening,” you could reflect,
  “I can’t either. It’s devastating. I’m here in it with you.”

One of the most common examples of this that comes up in my office is the moment you hear “there’s no heartbeat”, or sometimes a few moments before when you can tell something is wrong but the medical provider has not yet confirmed it. This is often a trauma imprint moment—when the world changes in an instant. The sterile exam room. The ultrasound tech’s silence. Waiting for the doctor or the doctor’s voice. Sometimes the medical professionals say the wrong thing or get really weird. It becomes a before-and-after line in time.

1. Be Present. Really Present.

If you’re the partner sitting beside them, your heart may be breaking, too—but in that moment, your presence is everything.

They may not remember what the doctor said next. They may dissociate or go completely numb. Just be there. Sit close. Take their hand. Make eye contact if they’re seeking yours.

You don’t need perfect words.
You just need to stay with them in the shock.

You can simply say:

• “I’m here.”
• “I’m with you.”

2. Match Their Emotional Temperature

If they’re crying—let them. If they go quiet—don’t try to fill the space with chatter. Let them lead emotionally, and stay connected.

Avoid jumping into problem-solving or future talk. Do NOT say:

• “We can try again.”
• “Let’s get a second opinion.”
• “At least it happened early.”

Even with the best intentions, those phrases can feel minimizing in the moment. Grief needs room, not a solution.

If you hear a healthcare provider making those comments, it is okay to ask them to stop. Often we find ourselves in a freeze response in overwhelming moments and it can be helpful to have our partner or loved one advocate for us (if that seems like it would be true for your partner).

3. Reflect Back What You See

If they have looked to you for confirmation or reassurance in the moment of uncertainty, it is okay to say what you see.

“Something doesn’t seem right”
“I see what you’re seeing”
“The doctor is taking a long time”
“I don’t hear a heartbeat either”

Sometimes in the moment, we are afraid if we put words to something it will make an awful truth become real. I want to reassure you that is not the case. While that fear is common and makes so much sense, it is often the lack of response or “still face” from their partners that I hear my clients lamenting about seasons after the moment has passed. Humans are wired to look to our people for confirmation in times of uncertainty. It’s like we need to know that “you see what we are seeing” or “this thing is really happening and I’m not going crazy”. Imagine if you walked outside and saw a spaceship landing. It is an instinctive response to look to your people and make sure they are seeing what you are seeing during moments that seem too unbelievable to be true.

4. Ask the Doctor for a Moment

It’s completely okay to say: “Can we have a few minutes alone?”

5. Ground the Space Gently

In moments of shock, people often feel detached from their bodies. You can help ground them without being forceful.

Try:

• Offering water.
• Asking softly, “Do you want to hold my hand?”
• Saying, “Let’s just breathe together for a minute.”

Touch can be soothing—if they’re open to it. Respect their cues. If they pull away, don’t take it personally.

You’re Not Meant to Do This Alone

There’s no map for this kind of loss. But you don’t have to navigate it solo. Therapy can be a lifeline—not just for the one who carried the pregnancy, but for anyone affected by it.

If you’re ready for support that actually meets you where you are, I’m here.

🧡 Click here to schedule an appointment or speak to a therapist. Let’s find a way forward—together.

➡️ [Learn more about our therapy services for pregnancy loss here.]

With warmth,
Kirsti Reese, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S, PMH-C, SEP, CCTP
EMDR Certified & EMDR Approved Consultant
Perinatal Therapist & Prenatal Yoga Teacher

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Frequently Asked Questions