Hey friend,
Let’s talk about one of the most common topics in therapy and something that comes up at some point with most of my sweet people—boundaries. If you’ve ever felt drained, unheard, or overwhelmed in your relationships, you’re not alone. One of the most common reasons people feel stuck in toxic or unhealthy relationships is because of blurred or ineffective boundaries.
As a trauma-informed therapist with over a decade of experience, I’ve sat with countless people navigating these challenges, and I get it. Setting boundaries feels HARD. You worry about hurting feelings, causing conflict, or being “too much.” But here’s the truth—boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about protecting your heart and your wellbeing so you can show up as your fullest self.
Today, let’s talk about healthy boundaries and the five common boundary mistakes that often keep people trapped in unhealthy or hurtful dynamics. Understanding these pitfalls is the first step toward reclaiming your power, protecting your mental health, and building relationships rooted in respect and authenticity. (If I’m already your therapist, you’ve probably heard this all before, but it never hurts to have the reminder!)
Why Boundaries Matter (And Why They’re Not the Enemy)
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and someone else begins. They keep your emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing safe. Healthy boundaries allow for connection without losing yourself or feeling intruded upon, controlled, or disrespected.
In therapy, I often see how unclear or weak boundaries can lead to:
- Feeling emotionally drained or resentful
- Difficulty saying no or expressing needs
- Getting caught in cycles of codependency or people-pleasing
- Being vulnerable to manipulation or emotional abuse
Setting boundaries doesn’t just protect you—it’s an act of self-love and radical self-care. It can also shift the energy in your relationships, creating space for authenticity, growth, respect, and deeper connection.
A gentle reminder: Boundaries aren’t about being “right” or “wrong”—there’s no one-size-fits-all here. Boundaries are deeply personal and fluid, shifting based on what feels right for you and the unique dynamics of each relationship. The best way I’ve ever heard this talked about is: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love myself and you at the same time.”
(I do not know how to accurately cite this quote. It is recently attributed to Prentis Hemphill and their book published in 2024, but I originally heard this quote shared by Bonnie Badenoch in a IPNB training several years earlier and have not been able to find her original source.
My Favorite Way to Talk About Boundaries In A Therapy Session: Boundaries Are Like Hula Hoops
Think about boundaries like hula hoops—something physical to represent the borders around your emotional, mental, and energetic space. It marks where we end and where someone else begins. I have a hula hoop. You have one too. And when we’re in a relationship—whether it’s a friendship, family, partnership, or something else—we have a third hula hoop between us: our shared relational space. That shared hoop is the place where we meet each other and create the conditions for a healthy relationship.
Problems start when someone ignores the hoops. Maybe they step inside mine without permission—pushing past what I’ve said I’m okay with, forcing advice I didn’t ask for, expecting emotional labor I didn’t agree to. Or maybe they avoid the shared hoop entirely—refusing to communicate, pulling away, or only showing up when it’s convenient for them.
Respecting boundaries isn’t about keeping people out, and BOUNDARIES ARE NEVER ABOUT CONTROLLING ANOTHER PERSON. It’s about creating a space where both people feel safe, seen, and valued. It’s about feeling a sense of selfhood and autonomy in their own hula hoop and connection and respect in the one they choose to share. Without clear boundaries, it’s easy to feel invisible, intruded upon, or taken for granted. And without a shared sense of what belongs in the relationship, it can become unbalanced—either one-sided or disconnected.
So, what gets in the way of healthy boundaries? These common missteps can make even strong relationships feel strained.”
6 Common Boundary Mistakes to Avoid:
1. Mistake: Confusing Boundaries with Requests — Forgetting What’s Actually in Your Control
A big stumbling block in setting healthy boundaries is mixing up what you’re asking someone to do with how you will respond to others. Requests are when we ask someone to do something, but because we can’t control their choices, we can’t guarantee they’ll agree or follow through. Boundaries, however, are about clearly communicating what you will and won’t tolerate or accept—what’s within your own control to protect your wellbeing. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior. (Say it with me! – and ignore the 20,000 social media posts to the contrary.)
Example: Saying, “I need you to call before you visit” is a request. Setting a boundary looks like, “If you show up without calling, I won’t be able to open the door.” The boundary is your action—what you will do to keep yourself safe or respected—not the other person’s behavior.
Try this: Focus on your own actions and limits rather than trying to control or predict others’ behavior. This mindset shift can make boundaries feel clearer and more empowering.
Therapist Tip: Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior—they’re about clearly defining your own. Say it with me: “I will not weaponize boundaries.” It’s not a tool to make others comply; it’s how you protect your energy, time, and well-being, regardless of what others choose to do. (Yes, even if 20,000,000+ social media posts says otherwise.)
2. Mistake: Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
People-pleasing is a trap I see a lot—especially when folks grew up in environments where saying no was not allowed, felt unsafe, or was implicitly discouraged (but not outright said). But when you say yes to things that don’t feel right, it’s like pouring from an empty cup.
Example: Agreeing to help a coworker with their project—even though you’re already overwhelmed with your own workload. Maybe growing up, you learned that being “easygoing” kept the peace, so saying no still feels wrong, even as an adult. But each time you say “yes” when you mean “no”, you feel drained and resentful. It’s not kindness—it’s self-abandonment.
Try this: Practice the “soft no.” For example, if a friend invites you out but you’re wiped, say, “Thanks for thinking of me! I need to rest tonight, but I’d love to catch up soon.” If a boss asks you to pick up extra work, try saying, “I can’t take that on right now, but can we revisit next week?” It’s clear, honest, kind, and protects your energy.
Therapist Tip: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations first. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and your feelings matter just as much as others’.
3. Mistake: Expecting Others to Read Your Mind
If you’re like most people, you want others to “just know” your limits without you having to say a word. Sometimes we come from places that taught us this was the expectation for relationships, sometimes we come to believe that people who care about us should be able to sense or anticipate your needs. But the truth is, most people aren’t mind readers. Boundaries require communication. If you don’t say what’s okay and what’s not, others won’t know—and that’s not a test of how much they care about you, it’s a sign to speak up.
Example: Assuming a friend will know you need space because they are aware you have a lot of family stressors happening at home, and then feeling frustrated when they keep reaching out, expecting your attention, or even asking if you are upset with them. Being clear about your needs helps prevent misunderstandings. Without clear communication, they can’t read your mind or understand what you’re feeling. Being clear about your needs helps prevent misunderstandings.
Try this: Practice clear, direct communication. Instead of expecting a friend to know you need space, say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some time alone today.” Try other scenarios too like, “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic” or “I need more notice before plans.” It might feel awkward at first, but it offers clarity.
Therapist Tip: Clear is kind! Clear communication is essential and avoids so many common misunderstandings. Express your boundaries calmly and directly, without apology. It’s okay to remind others if they forget or push back.
4. Mistake: Taking Full Responsibility for Others’ Feelings
Here’s a big one: many people avoid setting boundaries because they’re afraid of upsetting others or creating conflict. But here’s what I want you to remember—you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You are responsible for expressing your needs clearly and respectfully. If someone feels disappointed or uncomfortable when you set a limit, that’s their reaction to manage—not yours to fix. Boundaries aren’t unkind; they’re a necessary part of honest, healthy relationships.
Example: Fearing that asking your mom for space would upset her, you avoid the conversation. When things finally boil over and you set a boundary, she gets angry and calls you a terrible daughter. You feel guilty and backtrack. But here’s the truth: discomfort doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Healthy relationships allow space for boundaries. Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
Try this: Remind yourself that discomfort is not the same as harm. If someone feels upset by your boundary, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Try saying, “I understand this might be hard to hear, but this is what I need right now.” Then pause—don’t rush to soften the blow or over-explain. Let their reaction be theirs—you’re not responsible for fixing them.
Therapist Tip: Healthy relationships involve mutual respect. If someone responds with disrespect, aggression, or guilt-trips you, that’s a red flag, not your failure. Therapy can help you build the courage and skills to hold boundaries despite pushback.
5. Mistake: Overlooking Patterns of People-Pleasing and Self-Sacrifice
Sometimes what feels like love or care is actually just a habit of putting others’ needs above your own, tying your sense of worth to making everyone else happy—even when it costs you your peace. This dynamic can make setting boundaries feel overwhelming or impossible.
Example: Always being the one friends call when they’re in crisis—even if it’s late at night or you’re emotionally drained. You drop everything to help, telling yourself it’s because you care. But deep down, you worry that if you’re not always available, they won’t value or need you. This isn’t just kindness—it’s self-sacrifice tied to feelings of worth and guilt. A boundary might be: “I care about you, but I can’t always respond right away. If it’s urgent, I’ll help how I can tomorrow.” Boundaries don’t lessen love—they make it sustainable.
Try this: Before saying yes, ask yourself, “Am I doing this out of care, or fear of disappointing someone?” That quick check-in helps break the habit of automatic people-pleasing. Journaling can help here—write down how you feel after agreeing to things. Do you feel energized or drained?
Therapist Tip: Breaking these patterns starts with understanding your habits and reclaiming your needs and voice. Start small—practice saying no to a low-stakes request — each “no” that honors your own needs helps rewrite the belief that your worth depends on self-sacrifice.
6. Mistake: Confusing Boundaries with Walls
Many people worry that setting boundaries will make them seem cold or unloving. That fear is real—and understandable. Often, people see boundaries as all or nothing: either you say yes to everything or you shut everyone out. But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or building walls. They’re about clearly communicating what you need to feel safe enough to truly connect.
Example: Wanting alone time after work but not saying so because you’re afraid your partner might feel hurt or rejected. Maybe you grew up believing that putting your own needs first would upset others, so you avoid speaking up. But this often leads to confusion and distance instead of connection. A healthy boundary might sound like: “I love you and want to be present, so I need 30 minutes to recharge when I get home. Then I’m all yours.” Boundaries like this don’t push people away—they create the space you need to show up fully.
Try this: Shift your mindset from “boundaries push people away” to “boundaries show me how to stay connected without losing myself.” Try saying, “I care about you, and I need [insert need here] to feel okay.” It’s not a wall—it’s a bridge built with clarity.
Therapist Tip: Remember, boundaries are about connection, not rejection. When you communicate your needs calmly and clearly, you create trust and respect—not distance. Clarity build trust—it doesn’t destroy it.
You’re Not Alone—And You Can Learn to Say YES to Yourself
Setting boundaries takes courage, practice, and support. If you’ve tried before and felt stuck, that’s okay. Change isn’t linear. I’m here to tell you that with the right tools and guidance, you can build relationships where you feel safe, respected, and fully yourself.
If you want to dive deeper, unpack your specific relationship patterns, or get personalized support around boundaries and healing from toxic dynamics, therapy is a powerful space to do that. Therapy can help you untangle patterns and develop boundaries that feel doable, respectful, and truly protective of your needs and energy and reclaim your authentic voice.
Let’s Take This Journey Together
If any of this resonated, we warmly invite you to reach out. We’d love to walk alongside you as you build stronger boundaries, reclaim your power, and create healthier connections.
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➡️ [Learn more about our therapy services for navigating difficult family dynamics here.]
You deserve relationships that uplift you—not drain you. You deserve to be seen and honored exactly as you are.
With so much care,
Kirsti Reese, MA, LPC-S, LCDC, RPT-S, PMH-C, SEP, CCTP
EMDR Certified & EMDRIA Approved Consultant
Trauma-Informed Therapist | Boundaries & Relationship Specialist | Champion of Emotional Growth | Believer in Boundaries & Breakthroughs
Frequently Asked Questions
Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships and personal well-being, but many people have questions about how to recognize, set, and maintain them effectively.
